Unless you my cousin Matt who made the mistake of sending a message to my father, Fernando Alfonso Jr., instead of me, Fernando Alfonso III.

And believe it or not, the Fat Black Pussy Cat is a bar.

Enjoy.

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▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ delicious ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓

▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Fuck that.

Here are some things I’ve learned and done over the last month or so:

• “Tree of Life” is one hell of a movie. The cinematography, writing, acting – impeccable.  Director Terrence Malick really has outdone himself. For those of you who haven’t seen it. Be warned. It’s not a movie for those of you looking for explosions, hot sex, and car chases. I saw the movie with my mom and dad, who weren’t really sold on it. My mom, in particular, hated it. I haven’t seen her openly despise a movie since she saw “No Country For Old Men,” which ended up taking home the “Best Picture” Oscar in 2007. So in other words, “Tree of Life” has a really good chance of taking home a gold statue.
• Reverse ageism is very much a real thing, especially in Syracuse. Long story short, if you look like a college kid at a descent restaurant filled with a bunch of geriatrics, don’t expect to be taken seriously. I guess their money is just a little bit greener.
• Writing ab0ut the people of the Internet is a lot of fun.
• Connecticut really can’t handle snow storms.
• Ray Lewis once killed a guy. I technically already knew that but I thought I should just put it out there.
• You can take six Colombians out of the jungle, get them an American education (one who got his doctorate at Stanford and makes sure everyone around him knows it) and well paying jobs and still be completely delusional. That’s the case with my aunts and uncles who are putting their faith in this stuff to save an ailing family member. It’s sad, upsetting and everything in between. And I’m not just talking about this so-called remedy. At the end of the day, more time should be spent interacting with this sick person instead of giving her this junk.
• Tumblr blogs are pretty cool. Keep an eye out at the East Coast Post redux for some quick, image heavy, posts.
• Take a listen to M83 and read my friends interview with the man himself (Oh, and this jam, from a completely different artist, is great.)
• Halloween in Boston is a riot.
• Who says you can’t put up a Christmas tree two months early?
• Two and half years after finding my dads old Polaroid and I still can’t get enough. Enjoy.

So on Friday, at my local Wegmans, I did exactly that.

The cart was in tip top shape and the eggs were sparkling.

At home, my little lady started unpacking all the food. When she lifted the carton of 18 eggs, she noticed something strange. Inside the carton there were three eggs, and three carton spots, completely missing.

My lady was a bit upset.

I was intrigued.

I immediately took this photo of the eggs, and tweeted it.

“I always check to make sure none of the eggs are broken. Don’t know how I missed this (@Wegmans) | #Syracuse,” I tweeted.

Moments later, the official Wegmans Twitter account responded to my message: “Hi Fernando! We’re sorry to disappoint you. We will look into this for you and be in touch! Thanks! ”

And, boy, were they in touch.

Today the company asked me to send them my mailing address so they could mail “a few coupons to replace the eggs.”

I was floored.

I’ve always heard good things about Wegmans (which has consistently been listed as one of the best businesses in the county to work for) and it turns out to true.

Thanks, Wegmans. You’ve made my week.

“Can you relax?” Sam said, folding his napkin over and over again. “Look at this place. Packed. There’s not a bar stool, booth, that’s empty. That’s pretty impressive considering the sad state of the food here.”

• Two cups of watered down coffee: $2.00
• Two medium burgers, fries and pickles on the side: $7.50
• Two pieces of stale cherry pie: 5.10

“Was you bun a little damp? Mine was a little damp. I’m pretty sure it was the pickles,” Frank said. “That was some party.”

Sam crumpled up the napkin and tossed it across the table.

“I mean, I had a good time. You, on the other hand, seemed off in your own world. Where was all this energy an hour ago?” Sam said, hands folded on top of the table.

Shake, shake

Shake, shake

“Here’s the thing,” Frank said, resting the sugar container on his head. “I just had a lot on my mind. It was so peaceful there.”

“I’m all for deep thinking, Frank. But when I have to tell atleast three girls that my friend isn’t some mute, it doesn’t look–well, normal,” Sam said. “You follow me?”

A waitress slid a full sugar container on the table, glared at Frank and grabbed the empty container off his head before darting off to the table behind them.

“Happy now?” Sam said.

Frank smiled at the container, picked it up and poured some into his mug.

“I really appreciate you inviting me tonight,” Frank said. “I didn’t mean to go all ‘Rain Main’ on you. I really didn’t. I’ll tell you what had me distracted but first, let’s get out of here.”

Sam sighed and threw $20 on the table. His butt hadn’t moved from the booth before Sam was skipping out of the diner with a cigarette balanced between his lips.

“Thanks,” Frank yelled. “I’ll meet ya outside.”

Sam got up, brushed the crumbs from his shirt and turned back to the table one last time before heading out. He grabbed the $20 bill and lifted Sam’s mug to hide it underneath. Inside the mug was a mound of sugar with a smiley face imprint.

* Walk some cows through the garden?

If you’re not familiar, missed connections is where people post about run-ins that they wish went differently. Perhaps a girl wishes she got a guys number. Or maybe you flipped someone off on the highway and want to apologize in hopes that innocent bystander will see it.

However, the missed connections section is also a great place to make up a story and see what happens…

The other day, my girlfriend posted a mostly fake missed connection. She was  looking forher “prince” who’s pick up line was “Hey baby, you wanna smoke dust with me?”  She said he sounded really cool and they should definitely hang out. Oh, and he had a bunch of sweet temporary tattoos. I wish I had the actual post but unfortunately it was flagged. Some people can’t take a joke.

Before her post was unceramoniously taken down,  she received several creepy emails that went something like this:.

“Hey I’m not that guy, but you sound really interesting we should meet up.”

Interestingly enough,  some one actually posted a response ranting about how she’s gonna have crack babies one day (FYI dust is PCP not crack).  Apparently people take the missed connections seriously, jeez.

So why not go ahead and make your own crazy post? Maybe you’ll derail someone’s lunch break or make a new crazy friend. Bonus points if someone makes another post dedicated to flaming you.  It only takes a few minutes, it’s free and will definately lead to some good laughs.

-couchcast

Helpful Craigslist hints:

1) Bring cash

2) Offer less than its advertised for (but don’t lowball too bad)

3) Don’t get killed.

Craigslist killers anyone?

It’s not that I watch a lot of TV to begin with but when school’s out, work’s in lazy mode and when it’s over 100 degrees outside, it’s nice to sit down and elude brain function. But lately TV has been making me comatose.

It’s usually a toss up between “Seinfeld,” “Sex and the City” and “Law and Order SVU,” all of which are re-runs, most of which I’ve already seen and can predict an upcoming punch line from the next room. I’ve started to relinquish control of the remote; “How it’s Made” (gummy bears, unicycles and women’s vibrators) or “American Pickers” (it’s all crap to me), I won’t even fight it anymore.

So I came up with new ideas to spark even the most vegetated TV watcher.

“Beauties of the Wild.”

Simple, daring, and relentless funny.

You take 7-15 Miss America contestants, Hooter’s girls, or any overdone, overdressed floozies and you release them into the Sahara. Yes, it sounds like it has been done before, but this isn’t about survival, not primarily at least (if one doesn’t make it who’s going to know? It’s the desert). Instead challenges include using the earth’s resources to make themselves up (full hair and make-up), who’s little dog will resort to eating someone else’s little dog, the possibilities are endless. Moving on, you’ve heard of “Ice Road Truckers,” “Deadliest Catch” and “Swamp Loggers” next is another dangerous job that’s gotten very little publicity: “Antarctic Leaf Blowers.”

In every episode our heroes venture out into the frozen ice cap looking for leaves to blow. If you can’t find enough employees in this field to do a proper documentary you can send your own (and while you’re at it- ship over a New Yorker). Guaranteed it will have an audience enthralled.

Now for daytime TV, these soaps haven’t changed characters, plot or viewers sine the invention of the TV dinner. Changing them up isn’t hard to do, first film in low quality to assure viewers that not even the producers think this is worth watching, then change up the characters. Instead of Cynthia Allison or Dr. Phil Brewer substitute a mime or make it an entire cast of mimes, now set it in Sing-Sing prison for some real drama. Or a Yiddish version entitled “Who’s Schtupping Who,” now we just have to make sure that all of Erica Kane’s children don’t mosey on in when JR Chandler has his matzo balls out.

I’m sending a letter to the TV stations; I’ll let you know what they say.