Who’s Schtupping Who?

Poughkeepsie, NY – I am bored with television.

It’s not that I watch a lot of TV to begin with but when school’s out, work’s in lazy mode and when it’s over 100 degrees outside, it’s nice to sit down and elude brain function. But lately TV has been making me comatose.

It’s usually a toss up between “Seinfeld,” “Sex and the City” and “Law and Order SVU,” all of which are re-runs, most of which I’ve already seen and can predict an upcoming punch line from the next room. I’ve started to relinquish control of the remote; “How it’s Made” (gummy bears, unicycles and women’s vibrators) or “American Pickers” (it’s all crap to me), I won’t even fight it anymore.

So I came up with new ideas to spark even the most vegetated TV watcher.

“Beauties of the Wild.”

Simple, daring, and relentless funny.

You take 7-15 Miss America contestants, Hooter’s girls, or any overdone, overdressed floozies and you release them into the Sahara. Yes, it sounds like it has been done before, but this isn’t about survival, not primarily at least (if one doesn’t make it who’s going to know? It’s the desert). Instead challenges include using the earth’s resources to make themselves up (full hair and make-up), who’s little dog will resort to eating someone else’s little dog, the possibilities are endless. Moving on, you’ve heard of “Ice Road Truckers,” “Deadliest Catch” and “Swamp Loggers” next is another dangerous job that’s gotten very little publicity: “Antarctic Leaf Blowers.”

In every episode our heroes venture out into the frozen ice cap looking for leaves to blow. If you can’t find enough employees in this field to do a proper documentary you can send your own (and while you’re at it- ship over a New Yorker). Guaranteed it will have an audience enthralled.

Now for daytime TV, these soaps haven’t changed characters, plot or viewers sine the invention of the TV dinner. Changing them up isn’t hard to do, first film in low quality to assure viewers that not even the producers think this is worth watching, then change up the characters. Instead of Cynthia Allison or Dr. Phil Brewer substitute a mime or make it an entire cast of mimes, now set it in Sing-Sing prison for some real drama. Or a Yiddish version entitled “Who’s Schtupping Who,” now we just have to make sure that all of Erica Kane’s children don’t mosey on in when JR Chandler has his matzo balls out.

I’m sending a letter to the TV stations; I’ll let you know what they say.

Tags: bored, boredom, new york, ny, poughkeepsie, sing sing, summer, summertime, television, tv, tv show ideas